Doug Ford reassures Ontarians that vaccines sitting in freezers will be sold at enormous profit
TORONTO – Under pressure for keeping thousands of doses of vaccines in storage rather than administer them, Premier Ford reassured Ontarians this morning that these vaccines will be sold to the highest bidder as soon as possible.
“It may seem silly from a public health perspective to just sit on thousands of doses of vaccines even as the Province enters a third wave,” said Ford. “But when you see how much rich people at home and abroad are willing to pay for these bad boys, you’ll understand that I know exactly what I’m doing.”
“Just think of how many frivolous lawsuits, tax cuts for the rich and police officer raises we’ll be able to pay for with the money we make, and it’ll all seem worth it!”
The government does not have an official policy of selling vaccines to the highest bidder, as Ford “didn’t want to get the taxman involved.” But sources say there is a phone number you can text. First you enter how much you are willing to pay, then the vaccine you want, and then the special code word ‘folks.’
“Ontarians should not worry about it as only a small percentage of our vaccines are being sold,” said Health Minister Christine Elliott. “The rest we are allowing to expire through mismanagement.”
Ford ended the Press Conference early as his beeper started going off, and he needed to get to a “clean payphone.”
Jesus Christ is King
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