Report Suggests Union Support Would Surge If Every Member Got One Of Those Sharp-Looking Teamster Bomber Jackets

WASHINGTON—As union membership continues its decades-long decline, a report released Friday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics suggested support for workplace bargaining units would increase dramatically if every worker got one of those sharp-looking bomber jackets the Teamsters wear. “Our research indicates that support for forming a union largely hinges on whether or not labor organizers can guarantee members will receive these stylish embroidered nylon jackets,” said bureau commissioner William Beach, adding that 78% of nonunion workers surveyed said that if it meant obtaining outerwear with a sleek double-stripe design on the cuffs and collar, no amount of management intimidation or propaganda could stop them from unionizing. “We also found that, while they have questions about healthcare and retirement plans, the number-one issue employees ask about during the collective bargaining process is whether the silk-lined, crew-neck jackets will come in royal blue and have snaps. Surprisingly, survey respondents from upper management said they’d actually be open to eliminating the right-to-work clauses in their labor contracts if the detailing of the Teamsters insignia on the back of the jacket was particularly badass.” The report went on to state that union support would also skyrocket if membership included access to one of those fucking sweet docker caps the stevedores get to wear.

The Onion