Biden Unveils $2 Trillion Infrastructure Plan To Mail Every U.S. Citizen Envelope Of Wet Cement

WASHINGTON—In an address to the nation detailing the bold new vision for meeting the country’s transportation and structural needs, President Joe Biden unveiled a $2 trillion initiative Wednesday to mail every U.S. citizen an envelope of wet cement. “For too long, we’ve let our infrastructure fall into disrepair—the only solution that makes sense is to give Americans the loose, wet cement needed to choose their own path to build back better,” said Biden adding that starting this morning, paper sleeves filled with a handful of wet concrete would be arriving at the homes of 330 million Americans, who he urged to immediately start rebuilding the country’s crumbling ports, public transit, or affordable housing wherever they felt fit. “Every citizen can make their own choice: Shore up your local street or a bridge. Fill in that pothole on the nearby interstate. Or give the wet cement to a neighbor in need. Folks, we have faith in you to make these decisions yourselves, because you know what’s best. Simple as that.” Biden concluded by urging Americans to get to work immediately because the wet cement would dry within hours of arrival.

The Onion