CDC warns of ‘catastrophic surplus of hornt-up energy’ as Regé-Jean Page exits Bridgerton Season 2
ATLANTA – One of the top officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned on Tuesday that health experts foresee dangerous amounts of pent-up horny energy, with no opportunity for release, following the announcement that actor Regé-Jean Page will not appear in season 2 of Bridgerton.
“Now that this flawless man will no longer be playing Simon Basset, the Duke of Hastings, we could be looking at a thirst surge of explosive, even biblical proportions,” explained Dr. Franklin Westheimer, a lead researcher for the CDC.
According to Dr. Westheimer’s research, season 1 of the hit period romance Bridgerton provided a vent for approximately 18 trillion joules of female erogenous energy. “Roughly the equivalent of the Hiroshima bomb, and that was just on the weekend when Netflix dropped the first season.”
Dr. Westheimer’s team estimates that actor Regé-Jean Page single handedly provided a safe, sensitive, and eminently-tappable target for the ordinarily dormant sexual energies of millions of female viewers.
“Up to this point, Regé-Jean’s rock hard abs and willingness to engage in daringly-memorable onscreen sex scenes have undoubtedly saved lives,” Dr. Westheimer added.
Reached for comment, female Bridgerton viewers around the world expressed similar concerns. “It’s been rough during the pandemic, isolating at home on my own,” explained Ashley Taylor, a corporate lawyer from Calgary. “I can honestly say that without Regé-Jean Page and Bridgerton episode 6 on a steady repeat, during this last year I absolutely would have exploded.”
“I’ve already watched the series too many times,” explained Lisa Folgers of Burnaby, BC. “If Regé-Jean doesn’t come back, I don’t know what I’ll-” she exclaimed, before spontaneously combusting.
Asked how the CDC plans to combat the looming horniness crisis, they assure Americans that steps are being taken.
“The world’s hunks are currently being mobilized to fill the void left by Regé-Jean,” explained Dr. Westheimer.
“If we are to keep the planet from literally being blown to pieces by surplus female libido, we may be forced to release the auxiliary Hemsworths. May God have mercy on us all.”
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