Matt Gaetz Claims Sex Trafficking Allegations Stem From Powerful Enemies In Ms. Bassman’s Geometry Class

WASHINGTON—Dismissing the accusations as a conspiracy by his political opponents to take him down, Rep. Matt Gaetz reportedly claimed Friday that allegations of sex trafficking levied against him stemmed from powerful enemies in Ms. Bassman’s geometry class. “These spurious and completely false rumors are clearly the work of Madison and Brianna,” said Gaetz (R-FL), adding that the text messages and payment receipts supposedly tying him to sex trafficking suggested that the conspiracy against him went all the way to the area near the window where the popular kids sat. “I’ll bet Caroline helped spread it, and all because I didn’t invite her to that rager last weekend. All that FBI stuff is obviously Caroline’s work, although I wouldn’t be surprised if her Spanish study group is in on it as well. They’re devious and super petty. That whole sophomore crowd is nothing but trouble, and Lucas and Haley have always had it out for me. Jessica too, even though it’s been over a year and I already apologized. Now they’re spreading rumors about me sex-trafficking teens, and of course what does Ms. Bassman do? Nothing. The entire math department is probably in cahoots with them.” Gaetz added that he was going to do everything he could to fight the allegations and warned that he wouldn’t hesitate to ruin prom.

The Onion