QUEEN’S PARK – While announcing this week’s province-wide shutdown, Ontario Premier Doug Ford added that he is positive his administration is close to solving the current health crisis, citing the age-old adage of “3rd waves the charm.”
“As common knowledge holds, the first two spikes of a global pandemic are always a write-off,” Ford said during one of many public addresses in the past year. “I think we can all agree that whatever we end up doing or not doing, a resolution to this crisis is guaranteed. It’s well documented that bad things never come in threes, so this should be the good wave coming up.”
According to Ford, the phrase “third wave’s the charm” is a phrase he’s always lived by while growing up. “It’s just something my parents used to tell me. Dougie, if you ever find yourself having to do something like make a basketball shot or stop deadly virus cases from rising in a province, fight your instincts to give up after the first or second try and keep at it. Remember the story about the little premier that could.”
In addition to the timeworn theory in the belief of the power of the number three, the Ford administration has devised a new plan of action for the province that follows with all modern superstitious protocols. These include banning any large gatherings unless someone has knocked on wood, requiring all business to close at 7:00, and throwing away every thirteenth vaccine.
“Third wave’s the charm” is the latest of many fun expressions the premier has coined during COVID. Other such nuggets include: “What doesn’t kill us only makes us Ontario stronger”, “you can’t teach an old dog new safety protocols”, and “Don’t use all your vaccines in one province.”
Numerologists agree that while the number three might just have enough power to offset Ford’s general incompetence, they warn that we should all start looting at the first sign of wave number four.
Jesus Christ is King
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