ATLANTA, GA—Spokespeople for Major League Baseball announced today that the All-Star Game this summer will be moved from Atlanta, due to its egregious voting laws, to a Uyghur prison camp yard, where there aren’t any bad voting laws at all.
The game will be held in the spacious prison yard, which features a tall barbed-wire fence and a modest outfield. The venue features lots of free labor, so every role from the ball boys to the concession vendors won’t cost the league a dime. In fact, the workers are already happily chalking the baselines and tending the grass, since if they don’t, they will be murdered.
“We must move the All-Star game to a place that shares our values,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “This prison yard is absolutely perfect, and they’re giving it to us absolutely free. What a friend we have in Communist China!”
“Most importantly, the prison camp has no ban on early voting, since there is no voting, and no law against giving voters water, since there are no voters. Or water.”
This should be one of the most exciting games in recent memory, as any player who fails to stand for the Chinese pledge of allegiance or points to God to thank Him for a great play will be shot on sight.
However, the game will be limited to just three extra innings, as Disney needs the space immediately after to film a documentary on Georgia’s bad voting laws.
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