Kellogg’s Condemns Georgia Voting Laws In Call To Overthrow Government With Absolute Cerealocracy

ATLANTA—Declaring that U.S. companies had an obligation to oppose a new state bill restricting voting rights, Kellogg’s reportedly condemned Georgia’s voting laws Monday in a call to overthrow the government and install an absolute cerealocracy. “These anti-democratic measures represent yet another clear indication that the only way forward in this country is to topple the existing governmental bodies and give supreme oat-a-cratic authority to the cereal companies,” said Kellogg’s CEO Steve Callihane in a fiery speech, declaring that all cereal companies would cease doing business in Georgia and all other states that did not immediately abolish their parliamentary bodies and completely obey cereal decree. “If a nation can no longer govern itself, as Georgia and other states clearly demonstrate, it is time for the cereal companies to step in. I have already spoken to Post and General Mills about this, and we agree that America can no longer provide the 13 essential vitamins and minerals that only the cereal companies can. We must return to our traditional values and understand that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. We shall be benevolent rulers, but our rule shall be total. The United States has proven itself an ungovernable nation and needs the iron-rich fist of the cerealocracy.” At press time, Kellogg’s officials had warned Georgia to peacefully cede all power to the cerealocracy within 24 hours, otherwise the streets would run white with milk.

The Onion