U.S. Criticized For Giving $1 Trillion To Military Contractor To Develop Hat That Didn’t Work

WASHINGTON—In an unusually scathing report issued Tuesday by the Government Accountability Office, investigators found that the Pentagon had paid a military contractor approximately $1 trillion over 15 years to develop a hat that still did not work. “The hat is constructed of some real state-of-the art, space-age materials, but unfortunately, once placed on the head it falls to the ground,” said an anonymous Northrop Grumman employee quoted in the report, confirming that the defense technology giant had worked since 2006 to develop a simple patrol cap that would both block the sun and remain in place on the wearer’s head. “While we tried adding a chin strap as a stabilizing measure, the Velcro keeps working loose, and so right now the hat really only works if you’re lying down. There are bigger problems, though: At this point, our most advanced prototype has only reached 50% head coverage, and it’s already so heavy that a person of median neck strength can only support its full weight for about three seconds before collapsing. We just can’t seem to get it right.” At press time, the Pentagon had reportedly allocated another $500 billion to the contractor to research the possibility of adding cup holders and a couple straws.

The Onion