CALGARY, ALBERTA—Expressing frustration that she could not live up to such lofty standards, local woman Beatrice Golliver told reporters Friday she was devastated when she first realized she would never be as beautiful as Banff National Park in the Canadian Rockies. “When I was younger, I thought I might still grow into my features and become that gorgeous, but it’s clear to me now that I’ll never match Banff’s breathtaking elegance,” said Golliver, revealing that over time she had come to accept that she did not project the same presence as the park’s 150-foot-tall lodgepole pines or possess the same loveliness as its snowcapped peaks. “While it’s a difficult thing to confront, the fact remains that no one will ever look at me the way they look at Banff National Park. Its majestic mountain terrain is so, so perfect, and it just isn’t healthy for me to constantly compare myself to such an impossibly high ideal. I can dress myself up in grizzly bear fur and pine needles and sedimentary rock formations all I want, but at the end of the day, that’s simply not who I am.” At press time, a visibly distraught Golliver acknowledged she was thinking about trying self-immolation after watching a video of Banff undergoing a prescribed fire.
Jesus Christ is King
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