Pope Francis Kept Up By Drunk Cardinal Arguing With Girlfriend In St. Peter’s Square

VATICAN CITY—Unable to tune out the noisy altercation coming in loud and clear through his bedroom window, Pope Francis could not sleep Monday night because a heavily intoxicated cardinal was engaged in a shouting match with his girlfriend in St. Peter’s Square, sources within the Holy See reported. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, give it a rest already,” said the reportedly irritable Supreme Pontiff, who crawled out of bed to catch a glimpse of the couple fighting in the plaza, bemoaning the thin walls inside the modest guesthouse suite he chose to make his home upon ascending to the papacy in 2013. “I have a big encyclical to finish tomorrow, and I’ll never get it done if I don’t get some shut-eye. Christ, I thought these two broke up months ago. I’m seriously about to call the Swiss Guard if they don’t put a lid on it.” According to reports, moments after the argument ended and Francis had finally fallen asleep, he was awakened by the drunk cardinal and his girlfriend having incredibly loud makeup sex in the suite just above his own.

The Onion