Hollywood Tour Group Stops At Jack Nicholson’s House For Routine Wellness Check

LOS ANGELES—Offering a rare glimpse of how the rich and famous spend their remaining days, a tour group stopped by Jack Nicholson’s Beverly Hills mansion Wednesday for a routine check on the actor’s welfare, riders aboard a sightseeing bus confirmed. “There’s no better way to experience the glitz and glamour of Hollywood than to look in on a homebound A-list celebrity who lives by himself, just to make sure he has everything he needs and can get around okay,” said tour guide Mike Fuller, telling his customers they would be in for a treat as they peeked into the house of the One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest star to verify he had not suffered a stroke or died in his sleep. “Yesterday he was still breathing and able to make it to the bathroom on his own, so if we’re lucky, we may get to see the notorious Hollywood bad boy while he’s awake and alert. Who knows, we might even spot Warren Beatty wandering lost down the middle of Mulholland Drive. What can I say, except, ‘Forget it, Jake—it’s Tinseltown’!” At press time, sources reported the tour group was excitedly snapping photos of Nicholson as he writhed on the floor after falling and breaking a hip.

The Onion