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Russian Diplomats Given 30 Days To Complete Espionage Before Being Expelled

Illustration for article titled Russian Diplomats Given 30 Days To Complete Espionage Before Being Expelled

WASHINGTON—As retaliation for a Kremlin hacking operation that targeted multiple American government agencies and corporations, the Biden administration issued an executive order Thursday giving Russian diplomats in the U.S. 30 days to complete their espionage activities before they will be expelled from the country. “The United States has zero tolerance for interference in our democracy, and as such, we are giving all foreign agents from Russia one month to pick up their last dead drops and finish their surveillance campaigns before they will be forced to return home,” said Jake Sullivan, White House national security advisor, calling upon the Russian envoys to hurry up and plant any bugs they might need in the Capitol building as they will no longer be able to once the deadline passes. “The Biden administration is calling on all Russian operatives to wrap up their spying missions and poison any dissidents by our deadline of May 15. Make sure to steal any hard drives full of classified documents before then, or else you will be sent back to Moscow.” At press time, Sullivan added that certain Russian agents would be able to appeal to have their deadline extended if they had any last CIA agents they needed to flip.

The Onion

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