U.S criminal justice system to employ millions of protestors to function correctly

MINNEAPOLIS – After a 28-day trial charging cop Derek Chauvin with the death of George Floyd ending in a guilty verdict in second-degree murder, third-degree murder, and second-degree manslaughter, the U.S Department of Justice has announced plans to create millions of jobs by employing protestors to help it function correctly.

“We’ve finally discovered the missing piece in our criminal justice system which has held us from reaching just and fair verdicts,” announced a spokesperson for the DOJ. “We’ve had our faults, but once we employ millions of Americans nation-wide to hold us to account for every single cop killing trial, our system will function correctly.”

The spokesperson went on to commend the judge, jury, and prosecutors in the trial, remarking how they’ve illuminated the way to true justice, once millions of people take to the streets and get tear-gassed by police officers to demand a shred of accountability.

“Our country is healing,” the spokesperson continued “with every rubber bullet fired at peaceful citizens, and every journalist punched, we will reach the perfect ideal process.”

Local activists commented on the new measure, including Trinia Ulger, a prominent organizer in Minneapolis.

“It’s a good move, what this country needs is to have millions of lives disrupted by the current way of things protest for their community day-in day-out for the indefinite future.”

“I genuinely love that idea.”

Chauvin was denied bail, and held until sentencing, the first of presumably many cops who have been filmed unequivocally murdering a Black man to be sentenced under this new, normal, initiative.

Beaverton