‘That Girl Getting Stabbed Wasn’t In Danger,’ Says Man Who Flops Any Time Another Player Gets Within Six Feet Of Him

LOS ANGELES, CA—Basketball superstar and second greatest player of all time LeBron James posted in defense of the girl who was shot stabbing another girl in Ohio this week.

James, who is known for immediately falling to the ground and flopping around as though he’s been tased any time other players even step on the same court he’s on, said that the girl getting stabbed wasn’t in any danger and that she would have been fine if the cops hadn’t shot her attacker.

“That stabbing victim was fine. She was just being dramatic,” James said during a press conference Thursday afternoon. “It’s like, come on, what’s a little friendly knife fight between friends? You gotta be tough out there on the streets. You can’t just flinch and freak out and expect the refs — I mean, the police — to protect you whenever someone comes at you aggressively with a deadly weapon.”

James then flopped to the ground as a reporter scooted forward a few inches to get a mic closer to his face. “REFS!” he screamed. “Did you see that!?! Totally a foul! My life was in danger!”

Officials standing by gave James a free throw and fined the reporter $100,000 for her obvious technical foul.