‘Does This Help?’ Says Panicking Academy President Holding Up Anthony Hopkins’ Decapitated Head

LOS ANGELES—Responding with swift action to the outpouring of criticism for failing to honor the late Chadwick Boseman, panicking president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences David Rubin held up Anthony Hopkins’ severed head in a Monday press conference while asking, “Does this help?” “To fans expressing their disappointment with last night’s Best Actor decision, just know that the Academy hears you and we have murdered Sir Anthony Hopkins to make things right,” said Rubin, brandishing the bloody head of the 82-year-old actor. “We’re deeply sorry if anyone felt spurned by our voters’ judgment, and we hope this small act can begin rebuilding trust. If it’s any consolation, Mr. Hopkins suffered unimaginably in his final moments.” At press time, Rubin added that they could also murder the rest of Anthony Hopkins’ family if further amends were needed.

The Onion