Biden’s Child-Care Plan To Allow All American Parents To Drop Kids Off At White House Between 8 And 5

WASHINGTON—In an effort to help cover costs for working families, President Joe Biden rolled out his child-care plan Wednesday allowing all American parents to drop their kids off at the White House between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. “Starting today, you can drop your tykes right off at the front gate, where a senior adviser will check your child in and escort them to the West Wing,” said Biden, who touted the new program as a convenient centralized location for families from the Mid-Atlantic, Southeastern, and Midwest regions, as well as only a short drive away for those living in the West and Southwest. “We understand how hard it is to be a working parent, so please feel free to bring them down. We’ve allocated over $200 billion for pudding cups, crayons, and dodgeballs for kids of all ages to enjoy. They can explore the Roosevelt Room and dig in the Rose Garden. The White House chef is currently preparing 700,000 PB&Js, so let us know if your child has a nut allergy. But please be warned, if your child does not behave, we will not hesitate to send them to the Guantánamo Bay detention camp.” At press time, Biden added that all children who had not been picked up by 5:30 p.m. would be made wards of the Department of Health and Human Services.

The Onion