It can be hard to tell what your husband is actually thinking. Is he saying exactly what he thinks? Is he actually thinking about another woman? Would he still love you if you were Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street? So many questions.
Luckily, we have the answers. All but one of us Babylon Bee writers are male (they made us hire MJ for affirmative action), so we know exactly what men are thinking and can provide accurate translations. Here you go — 10 common phrases and what men are actually thinking when they say them:
1. “It’s fine.” — “It’s fine.”
2. “We can eat anywhere you want.” — “We can eat anywhere you want.”
3. “What am I thinking about? Nothing.” — “What am I thinking about? Nothing.”
4. “Huh? Oh, that’s interesting.” — “The Fellowship couldn’t have just taken the Eagles into Mordor. First, Eagles aren’t, like, the Uber drivers of Middle Earth or something. They’re majestic creatures, messengers of Valinor, and are unconcerned with the affairs of men. Second, they would easily have been spotted and taken down by the Nazgul on their flying mounts. Finally, it’s very likely Frodo would have seized the Ring for himself as no mortal can resist the Ring, and he hadn’t had the chance to have mercy on Gollum — the act that ultimately saved Middle Earth.”
5. “Yeah, that outfit looks great.” — “We were supposed to be at church 20 minutes ago. You do look good, but honestly, at this point, you could wear the curtains and I wouldn’t care as long as we get out the door.”
6. “You look nice today.” — “You look nice today.”
7. “Your friend? I don’t think she’s pretty at all.” — “IT’S A TRAAAAAP!!!”
8. “Yeah, that’s nice.” — “Oh no. She was talking to me? Did ‘that’s nice’ make any sense at all? Please, please don’t let her ask me to repeat what she said.”
9. “No, it’s OK, babe — I can drive.” — “I wish to live.”
10. “I love you.” — “You are the most amazing person I have ever met and honestly, I’m just in a complete state of shock every morning I wake up and you’re next to me. I pinch myself every day because there’s just no plausible reason a woman as incredible as you should be with an oafish manchild like me, but here you are. But it’s hard for me to express my feelings in words sometimes as I’m more of a fist-bumper and high-fiver, so I’ll just say ‘I love you’ and hope that you get the message.”
See? He’s deep under that rugged exterior. Now go ask him what he’s thinking about! And husbands, if you ended up here by mistake, go read our guide to translating your lovely wife’s facial expressions!
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