Democrats Throw Justice Breyer Surprise Retirement Party Hoping He’ll Just Go With It

WASHINGTON—Jumping out from hiding spots and popping champagne when the Supreme Court justice turned on the lights in his office, a group of Democratic Party leaders reportedly threw a surprise retirement party Friday for Stephen Breyer hoping that he would just go with it. “We’re sorry to see you go, but it’s really great to see someone going out on top,” said Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-CT), patting the 82-year-old jurist on the back and toasting the end of his long and storied career in an effort to force him into agreeing to retire from the nation’s highest court. “Some of the naysayers said old Breyer will cling to this seat until he croaks, but you sure proved them wrong. I think I speak for everyone here when I say we respect you even more for making that hard decision that it was time to hang up your robe and ship out. In some ways, I envy you—you’ll be out there on the links without a care in the world while we’ve got to stay in crummy old Washington. And of course, we all know you’re a man of your word, so while we’re sad to see you go, we’re happy that you’ll be starting a new chapter in your life—effective immediately.” Democratic officials told Breyer that if he retired and got out of town now, they wouldn’t even need to hold the surprise funeral they have planned for him next week.

The Onion