BEVERLY, MA—Explaining that minor inconveniences weren’t worth fretting over, laid-back local man Tom Glickstein told reporters Monday that he felt ready and able to take whatever the sandwich he was currently eating threw his way. “I always try to make the best of the situation at hand, so even if this sub tosses me a curveball like some cucumber or black olives, I’m willing to just go with it,” said the carefree 46-year-old, noting that while banana peppers and red onions might not be what he wanted most out of the sandwich, it was important to treat each topping as a little adventure along the way. “I don’t want to look back on this sandwich and just have memories of being annoyed that the bread wasn’t fully toasted or that the avocado was all mushed over to one side. And frankly, without those lows, you can’t appreciate the highs of extra bacon or cheddar and jalapeño bread. Que será, será—that’s my philosophy when it comes to this sandwich.” At press time, Glickstein was reportedly furious after discovering they barely put on any mayo.
Jesus Christ is King
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