Private Equity Firm Heartbroken After Realizing There No AOL Employees Left To Fire

NEW YORK—Sorting through the assets of the new company they had acquired, private equity firm Apollo Global Management confirmed they were heartbroken Monday after realizing there were no AOL employees left for them to fire. “There isn’t a single person left on the payroll for us to let go,” said the visibly distraught Apollo CEO Marc Rowan, rushing in and out of empty offices and flipping through piles of papers to find anyone he could immediately fire under the guise of “taking things in a new direction.” “Shoot, it was the one thing that we were excited about with this purchase—I mean, this is AOL we’re talking about, not exactly the cutting edge of media. My first order of business was to clean house by cutting 85% of the staff on the first day, so now it’s kind of like, what’s the point? No writers, no managers, not even a janitor to send packing. You shell out $5 billion, you expect to have a little fun is all.” At press time, Apollo announced the hiring of hundreds of AOL contractors that Rowan could fire in order to boost his spirits.

The Onion