Biden: ‘With Enough Vaccinations, I’m Prepared To Authorize The Use Of Sparklers On The 4th Of July’

WASHINGTON, D.C—In a recent statement to the nation, President Joe Biden announced that if we can come together and reach our vaccination goal, he’s willing to ease restrictions. 

“With enough vaccinations, I’m prepared to authorize the use of sparklers for the American public on the 4th of July,” announced President Biden. “I am a generous President and I shall bestow this gift upon my people for their compliance.”

At once the people cheered and danced with joy upon hearing of their promised new freedom. “This is so exciting! I’ve been good and haven’t left my house or even removed my mask a single time in over a year,” said local man Paxton Myers. “I thought they wouldn’t even let us have the 4th of July this year, much less use sparklers! I can’t wait to celebrate with my family over Zoom!”

Reports have indicated that far-right extremists are planning on lighting every firework that they own without President Biden’s approval. They claim that they are celebrating noble ideas like ‘freedom’, and ‘independence from a tyrannical government’, but experts explain that those are just codes for hate and oppression.