Couple Worried Relationship Will Lose Spark Once They Move Into Leader’s Compound

MOUNT DORA, FL—Expressing concerns about the complications that could arise from cohabitation, a local couple was reportedly worried Tuesday that their relationship might lose its spark once they both move into the leader’s compound. “Don’t get me wrong—it’s exciting for my boyfriend Rob and I to take this next step together, but I am a little nervous that we’re going to lose some of our independence when we’re both locked in the same sleeping quarters at The Eternity Ranch,” said Olivia Johnson, noting her apprehension that constantly fasting, performing ablutions, and engaging in hard labor together could become rote over time. “The way things are now, I see Rob a lot, but I can also have a night out with my friends whenever I want. Post-move, I just know we’re not going to hang out as much because they’re jealous, suppressive forces that must be cut out of my life. Then again, I’m not getting any younger, and I don’t want to end up single at 40 when the physical world ends.” At press time, Johnson supposed that she and her boyfriend could always add some more excitement by giving themselves over sexually to the leader.

The Onion