Mother Assures Daughter It Perfectly Natural To Spray Geyser Of Period Blood All Over Classroom

COLUMBUS, OH—Stressing that the powerful jet of red fluid emitting from her genitals was nothing to be embarrassed about, local mother Stephanie Reese assured her daughter Friday that it was perfectly natural to spray a geyser of period blood all over the classroom. “Honey, I know it can feel so humiliating the first time your period shoots out of you, knocking you backwards 30 feet and spraying everyone in the classroom with gallons upon gallons of blood, but it happens to everyone, I promise,” said Reese, adding that if anyone had a problem with it, they should just “grow up.” “I remember when I was your age and I was in gym class, and suddenly, 300 psi worth of menstrual blood came spewing out of me like a fire hose, sending me and everyone around me slipping and sliding every which way. Honestly, I feel like if we could openly talk about how sometimes heavy periods can blast a hole through a 9-inch-thick concrete wall, the whole thing would be less taboo.” At press time, Reese handed her daughter her first tampon, but told her to be careful not to let the pressure build up too much or else she would explode.

The Onion