Conservatives Panicking After Every Member Of Republican Party Ousted For Insufficient Loyalty To Trump

WASHINGTON—With GOP membership rolls completely empty, leading conservatives reportedly began to panic Monday after every single American who identifies as a Republican was ousted from the party for showing insufficient loyalty to former President Donald Trump. “It’s terrifying, because we’ve suddenly realized the conservative movement may be in danger now that all Republicans serving at the federal, state, and local levels have been expelled for failing to demonstrate enough devotion to the 45th president,” said former House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy who, before his own removal from the party, had himself stripped Reps. Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene of membership for displaying inadequate zeal for Trump’s leadership, intellect, bravery, and moral conviction. “Look, Mitt Romney and Adam Kinzinger had to be driven from the ranks after the amount of criticism they’ve levied against Mr. Trump. But by the time we started purging Michael Flynn, Giuliani, and Don Jr., it occurred to me there was a chance this whole thing could backfire. We may have trouble retaking Congress in 2022 if there are no longer any Republican candidates to run for office, or any Republican voters to cast ballots for them. We may need to walk this back a little.” At press time, top Trump aides confirmed the former president was furious after being ousted from the GOP for experiencing a fleeting moment of self-doubt.

The Onion