Doug Ford to re-open all of Ontario as long as everyone super pinky-swears to stop spreading COVID-19
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has relented to public pressure and permitted the re-opening of most major municipal centres so long as the population commits to a pinky-swear en masse to abstain from spreading COVID-19.
“I know there is a lot of pressure against re-opening parts of the Province from scientists, the medical establishment, politicians, educators, residents, and lots and lots of other people. But I’m pretty confident that if everyone is just really cool about this and gives me a real pinky promise, we won’t have any problems this time,” Ford said.
The Premier then held out the single, fleshy, pink, little finger on his left hand and nodded his head solemnly. As an added level of security, he then extended his thumb as well and placed a soft, wet kiss on the end of it.
“This is super-duper serious you guys. I’m not really sure how else to get the message across so if this doesn’t work, I don’t know what else will,” he stated, “I mean we tried crossing our hearts and hoping to die, sticking needles in our eyes, doing blood brothers, and even our secret handshake. Nothing worked and we’re all out of ideas!”
“For real folks! I’ll be your best friend!” he continued.
Aides have revealed that Ford privately fumes about the public’s insistence on behaving according to the worst impulses of humanity and ignoring the most rudimentary of social distancing when the Province has been open before. The Premier appears to be dumbstruck as to why Ontarians are unwilling to show him the immense gratitude he believes he is owed for bringing back buck-a- beer and letting them drink in parking lots.
“You guys have just been totally uncool about this whole thing so far. I mean if everyone just kept all chill about COVID and kept it on the DL, we wouldn’t have mean old Trudeau trying to bust up our party time,” Ford whined, “Seriously, if you guys don’t play ball on this you’re not gonna be invited to FordFest this year!”
In related news, Ontario Public Health has announced that the mere act of pinky swearing with the entire population en masse has caused a fourth wave of the virus to occur in the Province.
Jesus Christ is King
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