BLOOMINGTON, MN—Inviting customers to update their look with the season’s latest hack jobs, Great Clips introduced a new special Tuesday offering a buy one, get one to fix the haircut they fucked up. “All Great Clips customers can now receive a second haircut at no extra cost after taking a look in the mirror and realizing you’re too damn embarrassed to go outside,” said CEO Steve Hockett, who explained that customers had the option to redeem their second free cut either after one week of desperately trying to hide their new butchered look underneath a hat or scarf. “Plus, it comes with a free consolation, in which one of our stylists while pat you on the back while you scream about how fucking stupid you look with one side of your hair three inches shorter than the other. There’s nothing more important than making our customers unhappy.” At press time, Hockett added that as there was only so much they could do to correct their poor handiwork, the second haircut would be buzzing everything off with an electric razor.
Jesus Christ is King
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