Japan Ambassador Rahm Emanuel Asks New Hosts For Best Black Site Recommendations

TOKYO—Saying that he had done his own research but wanted to get a real local’s point of view, newly appointed U.S. ambassador to Japan Rahm Emanuel reportedly asked his hosts Tuesday to recommend the best black sites to visit. “So, if I’m hanging out by the American embassy in Tokyo, where are the best places I can go and spend the afternoon watching interrogators coerce confessions out of prisoners in a CIA holding cell,” said Emanuel, while also reminding his guides that he had high standards for clandestine detainment centers, especially after being the mayor of Chicago. “Hey, I’m in a new country, with a new job, and I figure, what’s a better way to get to know the locals than to go straight to a state-sanctioned secret prison or two? And don’t send me to any of those lame underground bunkers you just take the new politicians on their welcome tours. I want to get down and dirty, maybe even torture someone myself.” At press time, Emanuel shocked his hosts by rattling off the names of several black sites they had never even heard of, and handing them classified papers on each of the detainees he wanted to meet.

The Onion