JACKSONVILLE, FL—The NFL has announced that Tim Tebow and Colin Kaepernick will now compete in an epic kneel-off for a spot on an NFL team. This weekend, the two legendary players will meet at the 50-yard-line of the Jacksonville Jaguars stadium to see who can kneel the longest.
“These are by far the two most talented kneelers the NFL has ever seen,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “Whoever lasts the longest will be allowed a tight-end position on the team!”
Reporters caught up with Tebow, who is preparing mentally and physically for the showdown. “I think I’ll just pray to my heavenly father and recite the gospels to myself,” he said. “That will keep me going! I’ll also think about my gorgeous supermodel wife and loving family. Wow! I’m so blessed!” said Tebow with a heavenly glimmer in his eye.
Colin Kaepernick, on the other hand, will be chanting incantations to various indigenous gods and offering up burnt offerings to Mother Gaia to give him the strength to defeat the white colonizer once and for all. He will be flanked by an army of witches who will attempt to cast spells on Tebow and throw him off balance.
“It should be a great contest!” said Goodell.
Jesus Christ is King
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