Saskatchewanians grab keys from Premier Moe despite his insistence that he’s sober enough to re-open province

REGINA – Responsible citizens of Saskatchewan have hid the keys on Premier Scott Moe in order to prevent him from opening up the province without a sober mind.

“Don’t worry, I’ll go slow and gradually re-open…I’ll only open the backroads,” said a swaying Moe struggling to stay awake from all epidemiological evidence. “Has anyone seen my keys?”

“Oh, not this again,” said one exhausted health care professional to herself, putting away the province’s FOB behind a bookshelf. 

“Stick It To Covid! Stick it to Trudeau!” hooted Moe who reported he was getting his second wind. “That pussy can’t fuckin’ tell me what to do! The bars will be open on May 30th! Now, where are my keys?”

Some residents tried to reason with Moe by asking him to drink some water and look again at the numbers.

“Hey buddy, maybe you should wait a little longer than 70% vaccination,” said a concerned citizen, careful that he wouldn’t make Moe angry about the federal modelling. “It could be dangerous and you might hurt someone or yourself. It’s just a little while longer. I can drive you home sometime in June.”

“Let’s get ripped off this recovery!” shouted the premier, ignoring the pleas from locals. “Now where the fuck are my keys? Give me my keys! This isn’t funny, guys!”

At press time, a shirtless Moe said he would fight anyone since he was vaccinated.

Beaverton