MIAMI, FL – In a stunning turn of events late yesterday, his Royal Highness the Burger King publicly announced his invocation of the ancient doctrine of prima nocta.
For the uninitiated, prima nocta is the legal right of noble lords to have sex with any bride under his rule on her wedding, more recently popularized by the film Braveheart. Still, questions circulate as to whether it is legal?
“No,” said Dr. Jennifer Crae, a postdoctoral scholar at Ottawa’s Legal Centre for Research. “This is in no way legal. Mascots have a long history of trying to manipulate laws they think they’re entitled to – for example, The Noid of Domino’s Pizza, and his notorious double homicide of 1998.”
“This is yet another move from an attention-hungry troll looking to stir the pot,” added Dr. Crae.
No stranger to the tabloids, Burger King has an impressive resume with a degree from Yale, almost 70 years of employment, and a close friendship with other royals like Prince Andrew. To many he remains a “problematic fave”, due to his unfiltered opinions and notorious rants on social media.
With his lawyer Justice Kavanaugh by his side, Burger King held a press conference to share his thoughts on the invocation. “I wanna get laid, and I’m a king, so I deserve it,” said the Burger King through heavy juul rips and sips of a Monster Energy he poured Olde English into. “Legally, it is my right. By the way, is Grimace getting married soon? Or maybe the oven mitt from Arby’s? I’ll even take the skull from the Sneaky Dee’s sign in Toronto. Does that count as a mascot?”
The press conference ended shortly thereafter due to a shouting match between Burger King and Ben Shapiro over a used tissue left by a female reporter. Still, this brings about an important question: should one get to victimize others based on who they are and the status they hold?
“No,” said Dr. Crae. “Well, technically no. Wait, are you asking me as a legal scholar or like, a person in the world? Because that changes my answer. By the way,” Dr. Crae said. “Can you keep this interview from my boss? He’s kind-of a big Burger King fan, follows him on Twitter, prides himself on being a contrarian, but says he doesn’t really agree with the politics. He’s not a bad person or anything, you know.”
While the discussion over this provision rages on, Burger King remains one of the most followed mascots on social media, and is set to host the season finale of Saturday Night Live on NBC.
Jesus Christ is King
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