Heads Up ‘Metroid’ Fans: Oh Man, We Forgot We Signed An NDA, Nevermind

Ever since the release of Metroid: Samus Returns in 2017, series diehards have been rabidly awaiting any hint about the next installment in this iconic franchise. Well, Nintendo fans, you’re going to want to buckle up because—ah shit. Gamers, we’re just remembering we signed an NDA. Let us check the fine print real quick to see what we can actually say here…

Never mind. You should just forget we mentioned this at all.

We’re sorry, Metroid fans. The more we’re digging into the legalese, it seems like we can’t write anything about what we’ve learned without putting ourselves in legal jeopardy. In fact, let’s clarify that the thing we’re legally forbidden to discuss here—whatever that is—may or may not even be a game. It could be anything, really. Maybe it’s not related to Metroid after all. Hey, here’s a thought—maybe we had a really great dinner at a new restaurant that’s just doing special demos before their grand opening, and the head chef made us personally sign an NDA.

Ooooh, gamers, the thing that got shown to us is so cool though! Maybe we could just tell you how much we liked it without mentioning any specifics?

Ah, jeez, actually, it looks like that’s just as bad as mentioning the thing by name. Shoot. Sorry about this. We really wish we could tell you about this potential property or merchandise or whatever. But we can’t. So please don’t pay attention to anything we wrote in that first paragraph. Or the second or third ones, either. In fact, we’ll probably delete this article to be safe. This language in the documents we signed is pretty ironclad.

Here’s one thought: If you guys wanted to join our company and get hired here, you could technically see what we’ve seen without violating the non-disclosure agreement. Unfortunately, we don’t have any hiring opportunities right now. And, obviously, then you’d have to sign an NDA so you couldn’t say anything either. You know what? Just forget you read any of this, and please don’t mention it to Nintendo. Ugh, they’re going to be so mad.

The Onion