MONT-LAURIER, QC — After being shuttered last year due to the pandemic, summer camps in several provinces have begun preparations to reopen in anticipation of hosting throngs of excited campers and the deranged knife-wielding lunatics who prey on them.
At Camp Daggerwood in Mont-Laurier, Butchermouth, an escaped convicted murderer and walking trails enthusiast, was just one of the many nigh-invulnerable killing machines nation-wide who were thrilled at the recent developments.
“I couldn’t be happier,” stated Butchermouth, gesticulating vigorously with a rusty meat hook in place of his right hand. “Lazy afternoons swimming at the lake and roasting marshmallows under the stars, these will be the memories that these campers cherish for the rest of their lives. However short and violent that will be.”
The decision to reopen comes as relief to many who feared the popular summertime activity would be cancelled for a second year. Butchermouth recounts the mixed success of switching to an online model the year prior.
“I thought I’d give the “Internet serial killer” thing a try, sent some cryptic threats from an unknown account, Zoom-bombed a “virtual campfire” but it’s just not the same without everyone panickedly scattering into the night. Plus, I obviously don’t have internet in the abandoned doll factory that I live in, so I had to work out of a Starbucks.”
Despite the camps being open, some parents still feel uneasy at the idea of sending their children to sleepaway camp amidst still high COVID case counts. Stéphane Richard, president of the Canadian Camping Association, had these reassuring words for Canadian parents.
“Each camp will be operating under enhanced social distancing protocols. Campers will be kept secluded from one another for long periods of time. Additionally the campsite will be operating with the bare minimum of staff, miles away from the nearest population center. Rest assured, your children will be completely safe. From the coronavirus.”
At press time, Butchermouth was scrolling through the Public Health Agency of Canada website, trying to figure out if he needed to keep wearing a cotton face-mask over top of his human skin mask.
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