TORONTO – After decades of research, local historian Dr. Suraj Burnman has conclusively reported that Casa Loma is just some rich guy’s house.
“The way people from Toronto talk about it, you’d think it was the Palace of Versailles,” began Dr. Burman, who led the study into the famed Toronto sort-of-castle. “You know – like a cultural landmark or a place of historical significance. Basically some guy inherited daddy’s company, made mad profit off privatizing electricity in Toronto, and then decided he wanted a castle? Then he went bankrupt?”
“Why did we go here so much when we were in school?” Dr. Burnman added.
According to Dr. Burnman’s report Casa Loma is made up of a series of elaborate rooms, like the Oak Room, Billiards Room, and the former lady of the house’s private bathroom, which are somehow all less impressive than any of the interiors of nearby houses in Forest Hill.
“We can all agree that Casa Loma has quite a rich history,” argued Barbra Matters, the museum’s chief curator “The man was rich and then he wasn’t. Riveting, no?”
In an interview with Matters, she explained that Sir Henry Pellat – the original financier and resident of the castle – was quite the visionary. “He had a vision,” stated Matters, when clarifying why this castle was designated a heritage site. “A vision for owning a lot of money. It’s quite the significant time capsule of early 20th century Toronto, told through the specific and unique experience of one upper class white man who poured his fortune into building an over-the-top monument to himself, which absolutely wasn’t Freudian.”
Matters then went on to elaborate that Casa Loma’s historical impact is timeless and transcendent, demonstrated solely by all the enriching cultural experiences the maybe-museum offers, like escape rooms, haunted walks, and the animatronic dragon that lives in the stables. “Most people don’t know this but Sir Henry Pellat’s one dream was that Scott Pilgrim vs The World be filmed here, exteriors only.”
“So, it’s important for students to continue to visit ‘Canada’s Camelot’,” concluded Matters “And learn about Toronto’s number one wedding venue for Disney adults!”
At press time, Dr. Burnman has announced a new report: Black Creek Pioneer Village is just nerds larping.
Jesus Christ is King
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