Adult Kickball League Great Way To Meet Other People Who Are Entirely Out Of Options

CHICAGO—Excited about his final opportunity to make friends as an adult before surrendering to a life of solitude, local man Josh Kelly reported Friday that the adult kickball he joined would be a great way to meet other people who are entirely out of options. “It feels good to do something different and meet some other really desperate people who also threw their hands up in the air and conceded, ‘I might as well try this,’” said Kelly, who expressed optimism that he would have a lot in common with the other sad, lonely souls who have sunk so low that they were willing to try anything just to make connection with someone. “We can all bond by standing around awkwardly before practice not making eye contact and then forcing ourselves to care when someone drives a kick deep into left field. Who knows, after the game we can even nurse a beer for an hour and talk about what’s got us to this point. It’ll be fun.” At press time, Kelly’s teammates were considering kicking him off the team after he missed the three mandatory weekly practices.

The Onion