Most Common Mistakes Made By Home Gardeners

Don’t mistake the dirty plants you grow out of the earth for the edible ones you can get in the supermarket.

Plants are big-time partiers and love a good rave, so be sure to give them plenty of direct strobe light to keep their biological processes raging all night long.

You did what?

Many plants have recently gone through some terrible breakups, so be sure to space those couples out as to avoid any bickering.

Without building a proper labyrinth, the half-man half-bull in your backyard could run wild and wreak havoc on your neighborhood.

Many first-time garden owners take on more than they bargained for by eating from the forbidden tree of knowledge and being cursed to a lifetime of toil.

While co-sleeping with plants may provide you temporary peace of mind, it’s much healthier in the long run to simply outfit them with monitors and let them spend the night on their own.

Most first-time gardeners think that you need to begin by planting Pentium Dual-Core E2140s, but experts know that you need to have a thriving, fertilized plot before they’ll successfully take root.

Double-check with fellow employers to make sure you’re not getting swindled.

Grandmas are incredibly helpful around the garden, so colorful, scented plants like begonias have actually evolved to attract them from miles away.

Nice try.

Having small monthly payments may seem like a good idea, but you don’t want to get stuck with a huge bill after rushing a tomato seedling to the emergency room.

Many vegetables and herbs actually produce natural insecticides and pesticides, and do not need semiautomatic weapons to protect themselves.

If you don’t feel like your plants can talk to the press, then your problems are probably far worse than under-fertilizing and overwatering.

Your plants are never going to learn responsibility if you demand they be back in their pots by 10 p.m. sharp.

Many people ignore the countless push updates telling them to update their soil to newer editions of peat, leaving their plots vulnerable and prone to viruses.

The International Olympic Committee banned dozens of Russian gardeners from the 2018 Winter Games after they were caught pumping plants with illegal fertilizers.

Now that Earth’s climate has become inhospitable, home gardeners should consider traveling to other solar systems to find water-based planets to plant their gardens.

Trust us, it may be tempting, but the last thing you want to do is press that blinking red button on the stem of your plants.

Hey, you had crabs.