New Initiative Helps Young Girls Gain Confidence By Teaching Them To Melt Human Beings With Sonic Mind Blasts

WASHINGTON—In an effort to prevent harmful patterns of gender inequality from being passed to the next generation, the National Organization for Women announced a new initiative Friday that would help young girls gain confidence by teaching them to melt human beings via sonic mind blasts. “At an early age, our girls can start building the courage and resolve they need by learning to harness the power of their minds to reduce anyone in their way to a simmering pool of charred flesh,” said NOW spokeswoman Lindsey Franklin, citing preliminary data that found nine out of 10 teens reported feeling better about themselves and their ability to speak up in group settings once the molten muscles and bones of their adversaries lay scorched and twitching in a puddle. “We want each girl to know how to recognize sexism when she experiences it, because that way she can eliminate its perpetrators through excruciating pyrokinetic torture instead of allowing such behaviors to go unchallenged. If someone interrupts her, for instance, we want her to know it’s not ‘impolite’ or ‘unladylike’ to pause, turn around to address the interrupter, cause his skull to explode into a thousand tiny fragments of bone, and then continue on with her point. It is imperative that we equip women and girls around the world with this knowledge: that far from being ‘the weaker sex,’ we are in fact more powerful than God or nature could possibly have intended.” During a press conference on the new program, Franklin responded to a question she had already answered with a penetrating stare that left the reporter bleeding from his eyes.

The Onion