Romance Your Wife With These 8 Easy Tips From The Love Experts At The Babylon Bee

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It can be hard to figure out how to romance your wife. You’re a busy man! But it’s important to spend time working on your marriage. Luckily, we at The Babylon Bee are all males, and we are all happily married, and we’re all preeeeetty much love experts.

So we’ve got experience, and you can learn from our expertise. Spice up your marriage with these handy tips.

1. Instead of leaving her to go golfing for six hours every Saturday, invite her to caddy for you. — Don’t leave her home all alone every weekend — include her in your life! She’ll love carrying your clubs and golf-clapping for your every stroke.

2. Wrestle a grizzly bear for her honor. – A sure way to win the heart of any woman. Time for a trip to the zoo!

3. Helpfully pause Lord of the Rings every scene to give her interesting behind-the-scenes facts about the movie. – “Now, the interesting thing about this scene, honey, is that Viggo Mortensen actually broke his toe while kicking that Uruk-Hai helmet.” She’ll be swooning in no time!

4. Get in the habit of every day saying, “Wow! Your hair looks great!” so you don’t miss it when she actually gets it done. –  You have to cover all your bases.

5. Snuggle in close to her and whisper, “Taxation is theft.” – Talk about giving her goosebumps! Hubba hubba!

6. Women need a firm hand, just pick what you’re having for dinner without any input from her – Don’t sit there and suggest seventeen different restaurants like a chump. Just say, “Woman, we’re getting steak.” Total alpha move. She’ll love it!

7. “Like” every TikTok video she sends you even though you don’t understand them at all. – Even though none of the TikToks she sends you make any sense, throw her a bone with a “like” and maybe a laugh emoji once in a while. She’ll think you totally get her.

8. Don’t text or call her all day so she’ll be more excited to talk to you when you get home. – You have to keep her wanting more!

When she starts batting her eyes at you tonight, we want you to smile and say, “Thanks, Babylon Bee!”

NOT SATIRE: What does it look like when a man loves a woman? Douglas Wilson answers that question in How To Exasperate Your Wife and Other Short Essays for Men, and his responses are as wide-ranging and humorous as they are incisive and down to earth. Douglas Wilson explains why men’s distorted view of wisdom handicaps their understanding of their wives, and he exposes rigid (and wrong) approaches to marriage and relationships. He gives practical, nuts-and-bolts advice for identifying unhappy households, replacing absent dads with true leaders, all combined with hot tips on how to exasperate your wife. Both realistic and insightful, How to Exasperate Your Wife and Other Short Essays for Men points husbands (and wives) towards a passionate married love that is particular, sacrificial, sacramental, and muy caliente.