50-Year-Old With Arthritis Wins PGA, Proudly Proves Once And For All That Golf Is Not A Sport

KIAWAH ISLAND, SC—The debate about golf’s place in the pantheon of human endeavors has officially ended.

A beaming Phil Mickelson strode up the 18th fairway at the PGA Championship, doling out a veritable plethora of thumbs-ups, knowing he had finally crushed the notion of golf being a real sport once and for all.

“I did it!” He exclaimed, hoisting the trophy. “I finally showed all you clowns out there, calling us ‘athletes’. Look at Captain Muscles over here next to me – I just lugged my bag of arthritic, fifty-year-old bones around here and whipped him and his biceps. I can’t even see out of these mirror glasses, you chumps!” Phil crowed, pumping his weather-worn fist in the air.

Against all odds, and the existence of John Daly, golfers had up until Sunday steadfastly maintained that it takes a high-level athlete to play professional golf. Even after an inebriated Mr. Daly managed to play an entire round of golf with a lit cigar in his mouth back in 1992, golfers still maintained their incredible delusion.

At last, a victorious Phil Mickelson has put such silly notions to rest.  The man known as ‘Hefty Lefty’ walked off the final green cackling, then revealed his special ‘protein drink’ he uses during rounds to be nothing but Malibu rum. Mickelson hopped on his private jet and headed straight for the Golden Corral, where he plans to use the senior discount and stay all afternoon pounding steak.