Man With Fear Of Flying Reminds Himself You More Likely To Get Kidnapped By Belarusian Dictator On Drive To Airport

SALINA, KS—In an attempt to quell his anxieties surrounding the popular mode of transportation, Frederick Varela attempted to quell his fear of flying Monday by reminding himself that he was more likely to get kidnapped by a Belarusian dictator during the drive to the airport than while in the air. “Obviously, some people feel really vulnerable when they’re trapped in a small metal tube thousands of feet up in the sky, but, if we’re going by the statistics, you should actually be more afraid of a Belarusian autocrat snatching you out of your car while you’re taking a cab to the terminal,” said Varela, doing his best to stay mindful of the fact that the overwhelming majority of air travelers never even have their flights hijacked by MIG-29 fighter jets personally dispatched by the strongman leader of a small Eastern European country. “Sure, when these types of things happen, you see sensational coverage all over the media, but in reality, it’s a freak occurrence. You’re more likely to be struck by lightning than whisked off your plane and convicted in a politically motivated kangaroo court.” At press time, a visibly shaken Varela stressed that he was also probably overreacting to his flight getting diverted to Minsk due to a flimsy-sounding bomb threat.

The Onion