VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Holding the icy brown mass aloft in a vain attempt to inspect it, local man Ralph Freeman confirmed Thursday that he found an unidentifiable beige food item that he froze, like, six months ago. “I think it might be some kind of gravy or something,” said Freeman, who speculated that the color and uniformity of the mass could mean it was leftover broth from Thanksgiving or Christmas, or maybe a stew he made on New Year’s Eve. “I don’t remember actually freezing any soup, it’s not solid enough to be dough though. Maybe something else leaked and froze around the outside? It doesn’t smell like anything except freezer. Oh well, I should still probably hold onto it so it doesn’t go to waste.” At press time, Freeman had decided it was not worth cutting a chili recipe in half even though he was only cooking for himself.
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