Friends Agree To Take Away Drunk Man’s Car Keys, Jangle Them Just Out Of His Reach

BOSTON—In a decision deemed the ideal course of action given his inebriated state, sources at Garfinkel’s bar confirmed Friday that the friends of local drunk man Brian Wendell agreed it would be best if they took away his car keys and jangled them just out of his reach. “Brian is pretty fucked up right now, so it seemed like we should probably take the keys to his Corolla, hold them high above his head, and then laugh when he started stumbling around and trying to get them back,” said Wendell’s friend Ashraf Salah, who explained that it was also an appropriate time for the drinking buddies to toss the keychain back and forth while yelling things like “Up here, Brian,” “Oh—too slow,” and “Psych!” “We should make sure to get him in a cab and then run alongside it as it’s pulling away so one of us can wave the keys at Brian and maybe even reach inside his window and dangle them right in his face for a second before yanking them back again. In any case, there’s no way we can let him get behind the wheel of a car when he’s this able to be fucked with.” At closing time, Wendell was reportedly seen driving himself home as he gripped the wheel of his car with bloody knuckles.

The Onion