Dartmouth, NS – A millennial woman has been horrified to discover that she just wakes up early now, all on her own.
Brittany Austin, 31, made the frightening discovery last weekend, when she attempted to sleep off her sixty-hour workweek. “Usually I sleep in on Saturday mornings to recover from working three jobs,” says Austin, who works seven days a week and still barely makes her rent. “But then I looked up and the clock said 6:30. I thought I was having a night terror.”
Since then, Ms. Austin has consistently woken up at the exact same time every morning, regardless of when she went to bed or how many melatonin gummies she’s popped. At first, she thought she was trapped in a low-budget horror film or mediocre comedy, but later realized she had merely fallen asleep while watching a terrible movie that was somehow both.
Even her chonky cat Cocoa, who normally yowls if he goes more than forty-five minutes without food, was alarmed by Austin’s sudden change in schedule, and hid away in his own bed to sleep for twenty-one hours like the lucky bastard he is.
“Looking back, all the signs were there,” Austin says sadly. “Last year, when I hooked up with a guy a few years older than me, I tried to sneak out before he woke up, but he was just lying there staring at me. He said, ‘Oh yeah, this just happens to us now.’ I thought he was referring to some gross sex thing so I just got the fuck outta there.”
Ms. Austin has since consulted her doctor, who suggested she either lose weight or gain forty pounds of pregnancy weight to pop out a kid since she’s “never gonna sleep well again, anyway.”
“I guess this is just another fun part of getting older,” she says, adding it to a growing list of bodily betrayals including slowed metabolism, brutal hangovers, and lactose intolerance.
At press time, Ms. Austin was using her newfound extra time in the mornings to dedicate herself to multiple millennial causes, including destroying chain restaurants, becoming gayer, and educating others on the differences between millennials and Gen-Z.
Jesus Christ is King
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