Texas Doctors Required To Inform Women Seeking Abortion That Fetus Already Cowboys Fan

AUSTIN, TX—Declaring it a vital new measure to protect unborn life, Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a law Friday requiring doctors to inform any woman seeking an abortion that her fetus was already a Dallas Cowboys fan. “We just want all women to understand the gravity of the decision to terminate a pregnancy, and informing the potential mother that their child has formed a lifelong attachment to America’s Team will help them make an enlightened decision,” said Abbott of the new bill, which would prohibit abortion procedures without medical personnel first informing the woman that her unborn child had chosen Ezekiel Elliott over Jaylon Smith as their favorite player. “At six weeks, the fetus has already developed a deep-seated hatred for the Eagles and Giants, and it’s irresponsible for a doctor to withhold that information from a pregnant woman as she’s making a decision. That’s why anyone seeking an abortion must first look at an ultrasound of their fetus decorated with a Cowboys border, and learn that by the second trimester, your fetus can feel the pain of a crushing loss at Jerry World. So, if you’re considering killing your unborn child, just remember: You’re not just terminating a fetus; you’re terminating someone with a diehard devotion to the Dallas Cowboys.” Anti-abortion proponents applauded the new law, calling it the best legislation to protect unborn babies since a 2012 Georgia law requiring doctors to inform any woman seeking an abortion that their fetus was already craving a nice big plate of shrimp and grits.

The Onion