Man Reminds Himself That Painful, Nauseating Side Effects Just Means That Triple Bacon Cheeseburger Working

SHEBOYGAN, WI—Shrugging off that he had been bedridden for the better part of the day, local man Jamison Kelly reminded himself Monday that the painful, nauseating side effects just meant that the triple bacon cheeseburger he recently consumed was working. “My muscles are cramping, I’m sweating, and I have a piercing headache, but the most important thing is that the three beef patties with crispy bacon and extra cheese are doing exactly what they’re meant to be doing,” said Kelly, adding that he would be more concerned if the 1,500-calorie meal, which also included fries, a soda, and a milkshake, had no negative effects on his body. “Oof. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been in this foggy haze all day, and I took a nap this afternoon where I had insane dreams and sweat through my sheets. I know it’s going to be a rough 24 hours, but the whole point of even ordering a Bacon Beef Blast combo meal is to come out of it on the other side even stronger.” Kelly also told reporters that, especially because he knew he was ordering a triple bacon cheeseburger, he should have planned ahead and taken Tuesday off from work.

The Onion