SASKATOON – 33-year-old Jackson Shepherd still doesn’t know what COVID is and is now way too embarrassed to ask about it.
“When I got back from a camping trip last year everyone was talking about it, and I had no idea what the hell was going on,” Shepherd said. “I tried asking, but I didn’t really understand the answer and I was too shy to ask for clarification. And now, well, here we are.”
Shepherd, who says he mostly just uses the internet for gaming and prefers Chopped marathons to the news, has been described by friends as “easygoing,” “someone who doesn’t get out much,” and “buffoon-adjacent.”
“I definitely get that masks are involved,” Shepherd said. “At first I thought they were a new fashion trend, but then I got some pretty nasty looks when I didn’t wear one to the grocery store. So then I figured it might be a cult thing? Especially since no one is touching each other anymore, like they’re encouraging us to be modest. It was easiest to just roll with it.”
While Shepherd says he’s been “really busy,” he has tried Googling “COEVID” several times. However, he was immediately overwhelmed by the results and soon switched to pornography.
“At one point all my friends started talking about working from home, so I was like ‘Oh, cool, finally embracing my lifestyle, huh?’” said Shepherd, a freelance graphic designer. “And they just chuckled and moved on without explaining anything. I think that was my chance, but I blew it.”
Shepherd has resigned himself to maybe catching a documentary a few years from now, and noted that regardless of what COVID is, it hasn’t changed his lifestyle much. “I mean, yeah, I wouldn’t mind knowing, but I don’t want to look like a moron. And if it’s a really serious problem I’m sure Prime Minister Martin will handle it.”
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