Conclusive Series Of Diagnostic Tests Determines Lump On Man’s Neck Fun To Poke

AUSTIN, TX—Employing tools such as a tongue depressor, a reflex hammer, and an extended index finger, a comprehensive series of diagnostic tests conducted Friday reportedly found that a lump on local man Will Tabor’s neck was pretty fun to poke. “I was concerned at first when I saw how pronounced and irregular the mass on his neck was, but after investigating further, it became clear that it was soft and squishy and an actual joy when you just start jabbing away at it,” said Dr. Nico Fennell, who scheduled several follow-up visits so he could consult with colleagues who specialize in fluid-filled tumors and might also get a little thrill out of pressing and squeezing the potentially malignant bulge that appeared to be compressing Tabor’s vagus nerve. “It immediately became apparent that no matter how many times the fleshy lump was pressed upon, the indentation made by a thumb or an open palm would eventually disappear as the lump regained its original form. Though they are commonly misdiagnosed as too gross to be entertaining, we have concluded that a lump’s grossness can actually be what makes it fun. Next we’re going to have everyone on our medical team try giving it a good solid flick.” At press time, Dr. Fennell confirmed to reporters that the lump was much less delightful once it had ruptured from excessive prodding.

The Onion