ATLANTA, GA – With the CDC approving Americans to remove their masks many masked superheroes have complied, resulted in the accidental reveal of hundreds of superheroes’ secret identities.
Many masked heroes have reported struggling to hide their identities among the Covid restrictions. “I was chasing The Penguin and he ran into a shopping mall,” said Gotham caper, Batman. “The guards stopped me because my mask covers every part of my face but my mouth and nose.”
Many are not so keen on the revelation of these identities. S.H.I.E.L.D director Nick Fury had this to say on the matter: “It’s a disaster. Now all the villains will know exactly who to target, and might even go for their families. But I know how it can get hot and sticky and hard to breathe under the masks, so it’s hard to say what’s right.”
In terms of revelations, some have shocked the public, namely the Flash who was recently revealed to be a lowly forensic chemist from Central City. One hero whose identity has baffled the public is Iron Man, who turned out to be retired Leafs player Borje Salming. As well as Batman, who also turned out to be retired Leafs player Borje Salming.
Another identity that has been revealed is Superman, who is actually Clark Kent, a reporter for the Daily Planet. “I didn’t have a mask to remove”, stated Kent, “I usually just take off the glasses and add a little curl and people are baffled. I only revealed my identity because I wanted to feel included.”
Not everyone has been enjoying the recent trend in mask removal. Deadpool has been found to be a man named Wade Winston Wilson. When he first removed his mask, people felt sympathy for his heavily scarred face, but then they remembered all the stuff he said and he immediately got cancelled.
Others who have been struggling with mask removal include Cyclops, who states, “take my mask off? Uh, I will not be doing that. Trust me.” Captain Sneeze reports, “my powers come from sneezing and coughing. No one’s going to sing my praises for a long, long time. I’m keeping the mask on.”
At press time, the only superhero available for comment was Canada’s own Captain Canuck. His identity is apparently some man named Tom Evans. He told us, “You know me, right? Captain Canuck? I’m Tom Evans. Why are you backing away from me? I’m cool, my belt has a maple leaf on it!”
Jesus Christ is King
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