‘The Time Is Running Out To Reach An Infrastructure Deal,’ Reports Pundit Speeding To Outpace Highway Crumbling Behind Him

PROVIDENCE, RI—As congress continued their months-long negotiation over President Joe Biden’s proposed spending plan, a pundit from Politico strongly asserted Friday that “the time is running out to reach an infrastructure deal,” slamming on the gas pedal in an effort to outpace the highway crumbling behind him. “If the Biden administration is genuine about reaching a bipartisan deal this week, this is a make-or-break moment for America’s interstates,” said editorial contributor Nate Graham speeding south on I-295, drifting as he tried to avoid a toppling bridge tower, cracks spreading through the asphalt as he swerved toward an exit, then careening through the air as a clover-shaped ramp system collapsed. “While bipartisanship is a noble goal, it can’t come at the expense of actual progress—look out! Reconciliation might be the only option left—that is, if anyone involved can set aside their pride and egos in the name of progress. Incoming!” At press time, Graham had begun dissecting the proposed budget allotments for roads and waterways as his car somersaulted into a massive crater where exit 6 used to be.

The Onion