Vinyl Wood Floor Transports Woman From Supermarket Into Bazaar Of Epicurean Delights

ALBANY, NY—Upon stepping from the dirty tile to the vinyl wood flooring, local ShopRite customer Miranda Stephens was reportedly transported Friday from her neighborhood supermarket into a bustling bazaar of epicurean delights. “Kashi cereal, Annie’s canned soups—wow, I almost can’t believe it,” said Stephens, who gasped in awe and turned slowly in a circle while attempting to take in the extravagant cornucopia of rare and exotic treats after being instantaneously whisked away by the synthetic wood grain beneath her feet. “Fig Newmans? Bobo’s Toaster Pastries? The finest imports Cascadian Farm has to offer? My, my, it can’t be! And I don’t know what a chickpea puff could be, but my God, I’d be a fool to pass up the opportunity to try the delightful ambrosia.” At press time, Stephens was abruptly returned to the grimy supermarket aisle after reading the price for a small bag of granola.

The Onion